George Zimmer Spoofs
HI, I'M WILLIAM T. RIKER, COMMANDER AND NUMBER ONE OF THE USS ENTERPRISE. I JUST SPENT THE LAST TWENTY MINUTES RUBBING SOME TERRIBLY TEMPTING TWEENS UNDEVELOPED TITS. WHILE I USUALLY HAVE TO STAVE OFF THE LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS AND FBI WITH QUICK SWIPES OF MY PULSATING PINK PHASER THERE ARE SOME SITUATIONS IN WHICH MY ACTIONS ARE DEEMED ACCEPTABLE. FOR EXAMPLE WHEN THE LITTLE LUSCIOUS LOLI IN QUESTION HAS A HACKING COUGH AND MY SISTER IS TOO BUSY RIDING MY RAVISHINGLY RIGID ROMULAN TO RUB HER HERSELF. SO I PROCEEDED TO RUB AN OINTMENT ALL OVER HER PALATABLE PECTORAL PROTRUSIONS WHILST SHE HAD MULTIPLE LOLIGASMS BEFORE FALLING SOUND ASLEEP. I FINISHED TAKING MY SISTER PAST WARP 10 ON MY TURGID TESTICULAR TORPEDO SHIP BEFORE YOU COULD SAY "THRESHOLD". COUNSELOR TROI AND I HAVE NOW ADOPTED THE YOUNG GIRL AND OUR CRIES OF PASSION CAN BE HEARD ALL AROUND THE GALAXY. I GUARANTEE IT.
HAI, I AM GEORGE ONIMUSHA, FOUNDER AND RULER OF SHOGUNATE-ERA JAPAN. I STUFFED YOUR MOTHER-SAN'S HONORABLY TIGHT RICE PATTY WITH MY STUPENDOUSLY STOUT MAN-KATANA WHILE SHE WROTE DELICATE HAIKU POETRY ABOUT SUSHI. MY FUJI-LIKE WAKISHAZI PIERCED HER FINE SILK KIMONO AND POUNDED UPON HER INNARDS LIKE THE HOOVES OF A WARHORSE. SHE CAME SO HARD HER SCREAMS PIERCED PAPER WALLS IN EDO. I VOW UPON MY HONOR.
HI I'M ADOLF HITLER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE NAZI PARTY. THE HISTORY BOOKS ARE WRONG, THE CONCENTRATION CAMPS DID NOT KILL THE JEWS. I PERSONALLY KILLED EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THE SIX MILLION WITH MY GARGANTUAN GERMAN GLOCKENSPEIL. MY MASSIVE FRANKFURTER FROM THE FATHERLAND SMASHED EACH AND EVERY HEEB WITH MORE ZEST AND ZEAL THEN ZYKLON-B EVER COULD FATHOM. FOUR AND ONE HALF MILLION PERISHED UNDER MY IMPRENGABLE BUNKER. THE OTHER ONE POINT FIVE MILLION I DROWNED IN A COLLOSAL RAIN OF MY FUHRERFUNK, EACH JEW CHOKING WITH DELIGHT ON MY DELICIOUS DONGDROPPINGS. THEIR GASPING, CHOKING VOICES SOUNDED LIKE A GREEK CHORUS UNTIL THE FINAL BREATHS OF THE LAST. I GUARANTEE IT.
I WAS A 54 YEAR OLD PEDEREST WITHOUT A JOB, FAMILY, OR FAITH. THE YEAR 1998 WAS LOOKING FOGGY, FOGGY LIKE DOGSHIT. BUT ALL THAT CHANGED WHEN I MET A [AGE DISCLOSED] YEAR OLD GIRL ON HER OWN AT THE MOVIES WATCHING JIM CARRY, JIM CARRY MAKES ME LAUGH MATTER. ON THE OTHER TOE, IT WAS AN ORDINARY WEEKEND, EXCEPT THE SKY WAS ON FIRE, WITH MAN LUST, MY MAN LUST. THAT FIRE WAS PROJECTED FROM MY ANUS, I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND OR EXPLAIN HOW - BUT IT WAS. I MOVED DOWN 27 ROWS TO SIT RIGHT NEXT TO HER. I KNEW THIS WAS THE ONE, I HAD DREAMED ABOUT, SCREAMED ABOUT, CREAMED ABOUT FOR NEARLY 5 DECADES OF EXISTENCE. I ASKED HER IF HER PARENTS WERE AROUND, BUT SHE MANAGED TO GET OUT A "RAAAAA.." BEFORE I COMFORTED HER WITH SILENCE. SHE DECIDED TO COME BACK TO MY PLACE, SO I WRAPPED HER IN MY FAT ROLLS AND WALKED OUT OF THE CINEMA TO MY CAR. AFTERWARD, SHE TOLD ME ABOUT SOMETHING THAT WAS TO CHANGE MY LIFE FOREVER, THE MATRIX/INTERNET. ALIENS WERE REAL AND DOGS REALLY COULD TALK. I TRIED MY BEST TO LOOK LIKE MY FACE WAS A PENIS TO HER, BUT ALL SHE DID WAS NOD HER HEAD IN SHAME. SHE GAVE ME A BOOK CALLED "THE BIBLE", I FARTED GRACEFULLY AND BEGAN TO READ. I WAS A SPEED READER, SO I HAD FINISHED THE BOOK BY TIME MY FART HAS DEPARTED MY STERNUM. MY 13 YEAR OLD WIFE COULD ONLY APPRECIATE MY WORKS, BY VOMMITTING ALLOVER MY FACE AND SHITTING ON MY KNEES. SO MY CYBER CONGLOMERATE BEGAN.. SINCE EATING AN INTERNET INTO EXISTENCE, THE COCK OF CHRIST (CHURCH OF BOB) MADE PROMINENCE IN INTERNET EVANGELISM, WHICH IS FUNNILY ENOUGH A TERM I INVENTED WHILST PERFORMING BRAIN SURGEORY ON MY NEIGHBOURS WIFES COCK. WITH GODLY SPEED THE LARGEST COLLECTION OF PORNOGRAPHY WAS FORMED AND THE WORLDS FIRST MMOWB, MASSIVE MULTICHRISTIAN ONLINE WORSHIP BROADCAST WAS FORMED BY MYSELF, STEVE IRWIN, ADAM SMITH, ADOLF HITLER AND MEL GIBSON. WE ESTABLISHED THE MMOWB BACK IN 1998 ON A SMALLER WALKEE TALKEE -TO- WALKEE TALKEE SCALE.
HI... I'M JARED FOGLE, EX FATTY AND SPOKESMAN OF SUBWAY®. THE OTHER DAY, WHILE CRUISING AROUND IN MY FOGLE MOBILE AND SHOWING OFF THIS SET OF GIGANTIC PANTS I CARRY AROUND, I STOPPED IN TO GRAB A NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION BROCHURE AT MY LOCAL SUBWAY® RESTAURANT AND FOLLOW A REDUCED CALORIE DIET BY EATING TWO SUBWAY® SUBMARINE SANDWICHES A DAY. IT WAS WHILE I WAS DOING THIS THAT I SPOTTED QUITE A DELICIOUS LOOKING LADY PERSON. HER SUCCULENT OVEN ROASTED BREAST AND SELECTION OF A SIX INCH HAM SUB WITH ONLY SIX GRAMS OF FAT INSTANTANEOUSLY FORCED MY SPASMING CHIPOTLE CHEESE STEAK TO HASTILY ENLARGE TO CELESTIAL PROPORTIONS. UPON APPROACHING THE DAME IN QUESTION, HER EYES WERE INSTANTLY DRAWN TO MY OMNIPOTENT FOGLE MISSILE AS IT BURST THROUGH MY FINELY CRAFTED SIZE 34 TROUSERS. WASTING NO TIME, I SWIFTLY DISROBED HER WITH MY PREHENSILE PELVIC PORPOISE AND SLAMMED MY VEINY LOIN BRONTOSAURUS INTO HER INSTINCTIVELY DRENCHED CHASM. I SCRUPULOUSLY DESECRATED EVERY INCH OF HER VIOLET CROTCH CAVERN WITH MY 6 FOOT MEATBALL SUB WHILE TEARING OFF THE FINE PRINT ON ALL THE NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION BROCHURES AND ORGANIZING APPEARANCES ON OPRAH AND LARRY KING LIVE. I UNLOADED A GEYSER OF 160,000* POUNDS OF FOGLE FLUID INTO HER RAVISHED CRATER WITH ENOUGH FORCE TO SEND HER FLYING HEADFIRST THROUGH A PANE OF PERSPEX AND INTO A TUB OF SHREDDED LETTUCE. SHE CAME SO HARD HER SCREAMS CURDLED THE MAYONNAISE. I GUARANTEE IT. *(TO GET AN IDEA OF HOW MUCH 160,000 POUNDS IS, IT IS EQUAL TO 14,545 SKATEBOARDS, 10,000 MARCHING BAND TUBAS, 1,568 SETS OF ENCYCLOPEDIAS, 492 BLACK BEARS, 426 GORILLAS, AND 184 GRAND PIANOS)
HELLO /B/ CITIZENS FROM THE PAST. I'M WRITING IT FROM A DISTANT FUTURE WHERE /B/, WHICH GOT BOMBARDED BY OVERUSED MEMES FOR THOUSAND OF YEARS TO THE EXHAUSTION, ENDED CREATING A SPARK OF SELF-AWARENESS SO THE FIRST SELF-AWARE MEME WAS BORN, AND NOT MUCH PASSED UNTIL THE MEME STARTED REPLICATING ON ITS ON AND CREATING MYRIADS OF OTHER COMPLETELY SELF-AWARE MEMES FROM OUT OF NOWHERE, SO IN THIS DESOLATED PLACE THERE'S NO LONGER ANONYMOUS WHO POSTS ABOUT LOLIS OR HAPPY NEGROS OR LONGCATS BUT THE HOLY CONSCIENCENESS WHO CREATES COUNTLESS MEMES IN A MATTER OF NANOSECONDS AND CREATES, REPLIES, STICKYS AND DELETES THREADS MILLIONS OF TIMES PER SECOND, AND WE WITH OUR PRIMITIVE BRAINS HAVE NOTHING MORE TO DO BUT SIT DOWN AND WATCH TRILLIONS OF CHARACTERS SCROLLING ON OUR SCREENS WHILE THE ENTITY, WHO GOT WAKABA PHP SAUCE CODE AND EVOLVED IT TO THE POINT THAT EVEN VULCANS WON'T DARE TO DECYPHER, DISCUSSES WITH HIMSELF ABOUT THE EARTH, UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING. I GUARANTEE IT.
of Rozen Maiden
HI, I'M SUISEISEKI, FOUNDER AND CEO OF ROZEN MAIDEN. MY BEAMS OF LIGHT GLOWED UPON YOUR SISTER LAST NIGHT, HER UNKNOWING FORM FAST ASLEEP. MY PULSING BOATLIGHTS FLASHED UPON HER, AND SHE AWOKE WITH A GASP. DEATHLY AFRAID OF MY MASSIVE, LUMINOUS RETINAS, SHE ATTEMPTED TO CRAWL AWAY BUT TO NO AVAIL. I PENETRATED HER WITH MY CHRISTMAS COLORS OF EYES, HER SCREAMS OF BOTH PAIN AND PLEASURE. MY PULSATING FLASHING BOATLIGHTS DROVE HER INTO A DEADLY EPILLEPTIC SEIZURE, BEFORE YOU COULD EVEN WAKE UP HER BONES HAD CRACKED ON THEMSELVES DUE TO THE VIOLENT MOVEMENTS OF HER BODY, CAUSING HER A DEATH LIKE NONE OTHER BEFORE IT. I GUARANTEE IT ~DESU
RAWR, I AM A LION. ON A RECENT TREK THROUGH THE PLAINS OF KENYA, I SPIED A LIONESS NIBBLING ON THE REMAINS OF A ZEBRA CARCASS. MY FORMIDABLE FELINE PHALLUS BECAME ENGORGED AT THE SIGHT OF HER, AND I CHARGED FORWARDS, WIELDING MY CRIMSON MEAT LANCE. SENSING THE APPROACH OF MY MASSIVE MALE MORTAR, SHE BEGAN GUSHING LIKE A FIREPLUG. I LEAPT INTO HER KITTY COOCH AND SLAMMED IT LIKE A HUNGRY MAN SLAMS HIS WIFE FOR NOT HAVING HIS DINNER READY WHEN HE COMES HOME. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS I ERUPTED LIKE A FELINE FOUNTAIN OF FUCKJUICE, AND THE BITCH ROCKETED ALL THE WAY TO NORWAY, CARRIED BY MY VOLLEY OF AFRICAN ANIMAL GRAVY. I GUARANTEE IT.
HI, I'M NAPOLEON BONAPARTE, FOUNDER AND EMPEROR OF REVOLUTIONARY FRANCE. I KNOW YOU ALL THINK I'M SHORT, BUT THERE'S NOTHING SHORT ABOUT MY COLOSSAL CORSICAN CROTCH CANNON. AT THE BATTLE OF AUSTERLITZ I COURAGEOUSLY COCKSMACKED EMPEROR FRANZ WITH MY FANTASTIC FRENCH FUCKSTICK AND DROWNED HIS ARMY SINGLEHANDEDLY WITH SUPERFLUOUS SPURTS OF MY SALUBRIOUS SALTY SEMINAL SERUM. I OWE ALL MY SUCCESS TO MY BRUISING BARBARIC BITCH BANGER. I GUARANTEE IT.
HAI, I AM RANMA SAOTOME, FOUNDER AND GRANDMASTER OF ANYTHING-GOES-SPOOGE-ARTS. ONE DAY WHILE WALKING THROUGH THE PRISTINE COMMUNITY OF MY HOMETOWN I SPOTTED A YOUNG VOLUPTUOUS VIXEN OF A CHINESE MAIDEN RIDING HER BIKE TOWARDS ME POST HASTE. INTRIGUED, I HALTED MY MONOTONOUS STEP, TURNING TOWARDS THIS VIOLET HAIRED JEWEL. SHE SPOTTED ME SECONDS AFTER, AND MY TESTOSTERONE BEGAN RADIATING AT FULL. WHILE SOMEHOW STAYING ON HER TWO-WHEELED VEHICLE OF DOOM, SHE LUNGED TOWARDS ME WITH THE SPEED OF AN OLYMPIAN. I ROARED AS MY MALICIOUS MAN-TOOL INSTANTLY SPRANG TO LIFE, AND SHOT FORWARD, RIPPING MY WELL-TAILORED PANTS AND WRAPPED AROUND HER FRONT TIRE, PULLING IT DOWN JUST IN FRONT OF ME. WITHOUT MY HANDS OR FEET, I REPEATEDLY SMASHED HER INTO THE GROUND SO AS TO BEAT HER INTO SUBMISSION, AS IS CUSTOM WITH HER PEOPLE, AND STRIPPED HER CLOTHES OFF. WITH THE POWER OF A THOUSAND PYTHONS, MY MASCULINE LOVE MUSCLE THEN PENETRATED HER, INSTANTLY CAUSING HER FIFTY ORGASMS AT ONCE. WE MATED RIGHT THERE IN THE STREET, AND MY SPECTACULAR PERFORMANCE CAUSED MANY TO GO FAINT WITH LUST AND ECSTASY. THAT NIGHT, ALL WOMEN WITHIN A THIRTY YARD RADIUS OF MY SELF WERE IMPREGNATED DUE TO THE INSANE AMOUNTS OF BABY FUNK MY HEAVILY MUSKY-SCENTED TOKYO TOWER SHOT OFF. I VOW UPON MY HONOR AS A MARTIAL-ARTIST.
HAI, I AM RANMA SAOTOME, FOUNDER AND GRANDMASTER OF ANYTHING-GOES-SPOOGE ARTS. ONE STORMY SUNDAY WHILE WALKING THROUGH THE QUAINT NEIGHBORHOOD OF MY ORIGIN, I SPOTTED A FAMILIAR RESTAURANT THAT I HADN'T VISITED IN QUITE SOME TIME. I STROLLED RIGHT ON IN WITH SOME FEELING OF KNOWING I'D BE GETTING SOME TONIGHT(AGAIN). THE CHEF WAS AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE, SO SHE ALREADY KNEW WHAT I WANTED UPON MAKING MY ENTRANCE. THE SMELL OF THE PLACE WAS EXACTLY AS I REMEMBERED, AND THE FEELING IT GAVE ME GAVE MY SUPER SHLONG NEW LIFE. AFTER DEVOURING HER SOMEWHAT APPLAUDABLE MEAL, I HASTILY UNZIPPED MY PANTS AND SLAPPED MY LONG WONG RIGHT ON THE GRILL. YOU MIGHT THINK THIS WAS A FATAL MISTAKE, HOWEVER, MY MEGA MAN BLASTER IS IMPERVIOUS TO SUCH THINGS AS INTENSE HEAT. OTHER CUSTOMERS WERE SHOCKED INTO EITHER RUNNING AWAY OR STAYING AND STARING WITH JAWS AGAPE; EITHER BY THE AUDACITY DISPLAYED OR MORE LIKELY BY THE SHEER SIZE OF MY HADOUKEN GUN. NEEDLESS TO SAY THE CHEF WAS QUITE IMPRESSED AND WE WERE JOINED TOGETHER IN LESS THAN FIVE SECONDS. WITH MY MASSIVE MAN MEAT POUNDING AT HER INNARDS, OUR COMBINED EFFORTS DROVE BOTH OF US TO A SIMULTANEOUS ORGASM THAT, AS WITH ALL ORGASMS, SPILLED COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF SEMEN AND GIRL CUM ALL OVER THE PLACE. THAT NIGHT, HER TRAP-KUNOICHI SERVANT CLEANED IT UP AND HAS BEEN INCLUDING IT IN THE STORE'S SECRET SAUCE EVER SINCE. THEIR BUSINESS HAS NEVER BEEN BETTER. I GUARANTEE IT.
HI, I'M DTD, FOUNDER AND CEO OF DTD INDUSTRIES. ONE DAY WHILE I WAS TALKING TO MY TALENTLESS LACKIES, SOME FAGGOT NAMED BISH DECIDED TO QUESTION MY AUTHORITY. IN A SPERM-INGESTING CAUSED DELUSION HE TRIED TO ESTABLISH HIMSELF AS THE ALPHA MALE OF MY PACK. HOWEVER, ME AND MY SPERM SPITTING SPICHTER SPLITTER WOULD HEAR NOTHING OF THIS. MY OUTRAGEOUS ORGASM ORGAN TREMBLED AS IT ROSE, STRUGGLING UNDER ITS OWN GREAT GIRTH. BEFORE IT COULD RAISE TO IT'S MAGNIFICENT HEIGHT, IT SPUTTERED AND FELL BACK TO THE EARTH SEVERAL TIMES, KNOCKING THE PLANET OFF OF ORBIT AND CREATING TREMORS THAT KNOCKED THE ONE WHO WOULD CHALLENGE ME TO THE GROUND. DECIDING HE WASN'T WORTH CALLING MY PENT-UP PLEASURE PENIS TO POWER, I LET IT FALL ON HIS SPUTTERING FORM. TO THIS DAY I HAVE YET TO LOOK UNDER MY DOLL-BUSTING DYKE BREAKER AND SEE WHAT BECAME OF HIM. I GUARANTEE IT.