Statuspage2English

Status Page	English
Service is operating normally	We remain blissfully ignorant of your problem
We are aware of	Support is frantically paging engineering teams
A fix has been identified	The least-intoxicated engineer is typing on a keyboard
We have implemented a fix	git push --force didn't error out
We are monitoring	Pray for us and don't touch anything, the blinkenlights are back
Scheduled Maintenance	The security Guy "Found something" so we gotta do some patches and make him happy
Elevated Error Rates	We don't want to admit that outages exist at AWS
We have a plan	That will happen next year
We have a plan for a plan	It will never happen
That's a great question	I don't know the answer to that question
Let's take that offline	Shut up, I don't want to listen to you anymore in this meeting
We take security seriously	Every reasonable security measure has been taken, barring those that take time or cost money
We remain committed	We stopped putting development resources into this without calling it EOL (end of life) except for a Program Manager whose sole job is to eat it from very angry customers
Higher level outage	We're not really sure since we laid everyone off that was good at CenturyLink/Level 3
LastPass outage	The outage has been ongoing for an hour, but we are just now acknowledging it
Full of opportunity	Shit is on fire
ORACLE	Old Rich Asshole Called Larry Ellison
Great company culture	Instead of paying proper market rate for your salary, have some company culture™ instead
Scheduled emergency downtime	Our lack of DevOps at the organization means you're getting a 15-minute heads-up that a business critical system will be taken offline in the middle of a busy work day

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