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white.txt
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white.txt
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A whole new kind of porn.
My side job as an incompetent sysadmin.
Puberty.
God.
A mime having a stroke.
Shit.
Tearing apart.
Oil.
Michael Jackson.
Wearing glasses and sounding smart.
Linus Torvalds.
A saxophone solo.
Ebola.
A disappointing salad.
Network partitions.
The miracle of autoscaling.
Five nines fantasies.
A can of Red Bull.
A lifetime of sadness.
Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson.
A tribe of warrior SREs.
BATMAN.
Peeing a little bit.
Being on fire.
Never achieving my OKR.
Handicapped.
Sea of troubles.
Being fabulous.
Genetically engineered super-SREs.
One trillion dollars.
Shiny objects.
The rhythms of Africa.
Drinking alone.
My collection of postmortems.
Kubernetes.
The taste of Cola.
Barack Obama.
A big incident.
Prometheus.
Tea party.
Poor life choices.
Tracing.
The big bang.
Farting and walking away.
Drinking out of the toilet.
Friction.
Dying.
Deploying before a company meeting.
Yogurt.
Fear itself.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
A thermonuclear detonation.
Goose.
The underground railroad.
"Working" remotely.
31 slides for a 4-minute rump session talk.
Wheel of Misfortune.
Chaos Engineering.
A 10-year old policy on backups.
A 25-year old policy on deployments.
A career-limiting card game.
A dancing SRE.
A genuine attempt to burn SLO.
A violated SLA.
Speaking to an angry customer about the violated SLA.
A TLA+ proof.
2 to 4 kilograms of top quality amphetamines.
\texttt{Ctrl+F}'ing to see how many times I'm cited in a postmortem and finding ``10 results''.
A painfully slow VPN connection.
Pretending that I know the Paxos protocol.
Accidentally triggering an emergency alert.
Accidentally calling my VP.
A hand wavy argument.
An insecure VPN straight to the Kremlin.
An SSL vulnerability with a silly name.
Arriving 13 minutes late to a 15 minute talk and having the gall to ask a question.
Brexit.
Drinking alone.
Trying to explain what DevOps means.
Chocolate-covered shrimp.
Crippling error budget.
Using Protocol Buffers without reason.
Deliberately hiding inefficiencies inside the big O.
Deliberately not referencing a superior paper.
Dropping the word Blockchain into my incident report's action items.
Encrypted database security definitions.
Explaining what my job is at a family reunion.
Fighting over LaTeX syntax.
Forgetting my USB Type-C adapter.
Going straight to journal.
Bloom but not Filters.
A Slack notification from my supervisor during my keynote talk.
Humiliation on a historic scale.
Home-baked, snake oil crypto.
HTTPS everywhere!
Having to write a polite rebuttal in the postmortem.
Actually being "sorry for deleting the production database".
A board meeting.
Like a cult.
A Post-Agile world.
Test Driven Development.
Best outage award.
Checking Hacker News daily.
Cloud Native.
DevSecOps.
Hiring SREs to do sysadmin jobs.
Frantically taking notes during every talk.
Getting a fourth cookie during a coffee break because I have no one to talk to.
My grumpy supervisor.
A microservice in Haskell.
My Silk Road purchase history.
My side job as an incompetent security consultant.
Including an XKCD comic in my slides because I'm so original.
Ignoring the session chair flashing 5 minutes left because I've got 23 slides to go.
Ignoring reviewer comments and resubmitting immediately.
Overselling it hard in the introduction.
Password1.
Live for outages.
Adrenaline Junkie.
My relationship status.
Not SREs fault.
Putting an outdoors-y photo on my company's webpage to look well-rounded.
Satoshi Nakamoto.
Sending an email at 11pm so people think I work hard.
Relatives who ask me to help them install their printer on Windows.
Slack dropping out every 10 to 15 seconds.
Spending 3 Bitcoin on pizza in 2012.
Hooli.
Developers pretending to be SREs.
Imposter Syndrome.
AIOps.
Pushing Kubernetes to developers.
Waiting for indexing.
Breaking production.
Pretending to understand what DevOps means.
Publishing anyway.
RestartOps.
Spending all of my ACM award prize money on cocaine.
Starting a conversation with "When did you fly in?", because I have nothing interesting to say.
Telling anyone who'll listen quite how busy I am.
Preparing for two weeks to give a 15-minute presentation to a room of 5 people all on their laptops.
Quickly trying to peek at someone's badge as I shake their hand, but it's flipped backwards.
The great firewall of China.
Taking oncall selfies.
Committing to the wrong branch.
The North Korean Cryptographic Standard.
The awkward question the chair asks when nobody understood the talk.
The awkward silence of 8 people standing in a circle during the afternoon coffee break.
Thanking the anonymous reviewers for their "useful" comments.
The NSA's massive stack of amateur porn.
Move Fast and Break Things.
The person in the front row taking photos of every slide.
The secret Yubikey hidden in my underwear.
Thinking I'm so clever for using cat pictures.
Unbreakable military-grade encryption.
Undergrads.
Interns.
Secondary Oncall.
Passive Aggressive.
Using Beamer because it's social suicide to use PowerPoint.
Wearing a conference t-shirt in public.
Writing a reference for someone I can't remember meeting.
Turning up to one meeting and becoming a product owner.
Negotiating SLOs with Product Owners.
Persuading my manager about SLO value.
Burnt all the Error Budget.
Hoping it will work in production.
Assuming there are backups.
Averaging percentiles.
Nonexistent Disaster Recovery policies.
Hiring Physicists as Chaos Engineers.
Creating a DevOps and SRE team.
Throw it under the bus.
Building beautiful dashboards.
Intuition Engineering.
Generate lots of money.
Spending months negotiating SLOs.
Pretending to be doing Chaos Engineering.
A Marketing Story
Violating SLAs.
Doing Rocket Science.
Software Engineer's Fault.
Mercenaries.
Migrating to a cluster orchestrator because it's the new hype.
Doing containers from scratch because Docker is too mainstream.
Aiming for 100\% availability.
A keynote speaker.
Being an SRE for legacy systems.
Industry Zeitgeist.
A Thought Leader.
Automating office's coffee machine.
Autoremediation fixes the wrong thing.
Anxiety Disorder.
No capacity planning.
An emergency alert.
An undetected outage.
Using averages instead of percentiles.
Fighting technical debt.
Dashboard Junkyard.
New source of income.
Works on my machine.
Unnecessary Star Wars references.
An email about a new production incident.
Chaos without Monkeys.
Lord of Chaos.