In this session, I'll be talking about the role that sincere gratitude plays, in helping us to remember what Nonviolent Communication is intended to serve, and to help us to maintain the energy that it takes to stay compassionate in a world that often makes that quite challenging.
Nonviolent Communication 9 Marshall Rosenberg
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- Introduction
- Expressing Gratitude
- Exercises in Gratitude
- What keeps us from expressing gratitude?
- What gratitude haven't I expressed yet?
- Marshall's uncle who took care of grandmother
- Other reasons we don't express gratitude
- Receiving Gratitude
- The Gratitude Book
- Non-sneaky Bragging
0:00
In this session, I'll be talking about the role that sincere gratitude plays in helping us to remember what Nonviolent Communication is intended to serve. And to help us to maintain the energy that it takes to stay compassionate in a world that often makes that quite challenging.
In an earlier session, I described the spirituality that Nonviolent Communication was designed to serve. This process Nonviolent Communication has great power to enrich our lives, when it is our intention to create the connections necessary for compassionate giving to take place. It's a great tool to support our being conscious of what's alive in others, and to hear what's alive in others in a way that makes giving enjoyable.
It's a process that helps us to share that information with others, how to be honest and share what's alive in us in a way that enables others to enjoy compassionately giving to us.
A very important component in keeping this consciousness alive in us is the process of expressing gratitude to one another, in a way that can be trusted, that it is a celebration of life, and not a form of communication that's designed to manipulate us to do things that others want.
To clarify this, I'd like to make a difference between sincere gratitude and praise and compliments, very clear. Praise and compliments are given for the purpose of rewarding.
Parents, teachers, managers in industry that I have worked with, have told me that they have been in programs that have taught them that if you praise and compliment people daily, they work harder.
Parents use praise and compliments, to reward their children, to do things around the house that they want them to do.
Teachers have been educated to use praise and compliments to get students to work harder.
Managers in industry tell me that they have been through similar programs.
I point out to all of these groups, if they look at the research based on people using praise and compliments as rewards, they'll see that it isn't that effective when used as a reward. It's only effective for a short time until the people see that the praise and the compliments are really not sincere expressions of gratitude.
But they are at attempt to manipulate them to behave in ways that others want them to behave.
Research shows that when people sense that the praise and compliments are given out of that energy, they lose their desire to work harder and to contribute to what the authorities want them to do.
From the very beginning, I'd like to make it clear that the way of expressing gratitude that we'll be talking about in this session, the intent is to celebrate life, not to reward people for doing what we want them to do.
By celebrating life, I mean that we let people know how our needs have been fulfilled, and how our life has been enriched by something they have done. Our only intention is to celebrate that, and not in any way to put them under pressure to continue doing that which we would like them to do.
4:17
The difference between Nonviolent Communication and other forms of communication that involve giving praise and compliments is the way in which the gratitude is expressed in Nonviolent Communication.
Gratitude is expressed by saying three things that allow the other person to see how their actions have enriched our lives.
Those three things are:
- We tell them what they have done, that has enriched our life. (Observation)
- We express how it has, by letting them know the need of ours that was fulfilled by the action (Needs)
- How we feel as a result of that need being fulfilled. (Feelings)
We have talked about this in many other sessions, how to express clear observations, feelings and needs. However, in most of the other sessions, we have been seeing how to do that as part of our honesty when people have done something that we do not like, that's not in harmony with our well being.
When we express gratitude, we use the same ingredients of clear observation, expressions of feelings and needs.
But now we're talking about actions that have contributed to our well being and needs that have been fulfilled, and the pleasureful things that follow these needs having been fulfilled.
The form that is used in Nonviolent Communication is clear on observations, feelings needs.
It's not in the form of compliments which judge people as that was a good thing that you did. You're a kind person, you are very attractive.
Instead, we translate any compliments and rewards into a language of life that tells what was done and how life was enriched by it. And the motive is always important to keep clear. We're expressing this not to reward not to manipulate people into doing what we want them to do.
Now, it's extremely important that we build into our lives, opportunities to exchange sincere gratitude, that we have opportunities to express it to others and to receive it.
Every time we receive sincere gratitude, it helps us to remember how good it feels to contribute to the well being of human beings. How good it feels to contribute to our own well being, to the well being of others, how good it feels to celebrate that.
We'll see in this session that there's many things that happen to block the exchange of sincere gratitude.
In my trainings, I do some exercises that not only show people how to express gratitude, but make us highly aware of what are these forces in our lives that keep the flow of sincere gratitude from happening.
One of these exercises, I ask people to think of a gratitude they would have loved to have received from somebody but they didn't.
Then we use that as a chance to practice what it would have sounded like if that person would have known how to express the gratitude in a Nonviolent Communication manner.
That is, what would they have said, to make clear what we did, and how they felt as a result of our doing this, and what was needed that was met.
After the people have written down what the gratitude would have sounded like, had it been expressed in a Nonviolent Communication way, by the other person.
8:37
I asked them to imagine going to that person and doing the following. This might require a bit of imagination on your part, particularly if the other person is no longer alive. I say, whether the person is alive or not, imagine going to that person and telling them that you were in a workshop that asked you to write down a gratitude that you would have loved to have received and didn't.
You tell this person, the gratitude that you would have liked to have received and didn't.
You read it for them so they can hear word for word, what would have sounded so precious for you to have heard.
Then, after you imagine saying that to the person, then ask them this question. What kept you from expressing it? Then imagine what their reaction might be to that question of what kept them from expressing it.
I do this exercise because I want us all to be highly aware both of the importance of keeping gratitude a central part of our lives.
To do that we need to be conscious of the many things that go on, that keep gratitude from being expressed when it is desperately needed to maintain our energy for living a life of compassion.
Then when people have had a chance to do those two things, I asked them to read off both what the gratitude would have sounded like, had it been expressed in a Nonviolent Communication manner. And we look at the reasons why people believe they didn't receive the gratitude.
Then I asked the people to think of a gratitude they themselves have not expressed that they would really feel horrible if they didn't get a chance to express it to the other person before that person died.
I ask them to write down the gratitude in a way that communicates the three things we're trying to create.
When we express gratitude in a Nonviolent Communication way:
- make it clear to the other person what they did that enriched your life
- how you feel right now, when you think about that
- and what need of yours was fulfilled.
After they have a chance to practice expressing the gratitude in this way, I say to them,
What has kept you from expressing this gratitude, if it has meant so much in your life, that you would hate this person to die without having heard it?
What has kept you from expressing it till this point?
Then write down that answer.
Then we look as a group on what are the forces that go on within us and that we think go on within others that keep us from having an open flow of gratitude.
They think there's just certain things you should do. It's your obligation and duty, and that you shouldn't have to get any gratitude for doing, you should just do it.
I feel very sad at how many people seem to have that feeling, and how many people work in workplaces where gratitude isn't really expressed, where people are expected to do certain things, and they feel obligated to do it.
There's no space in that kind of thinking for sincere gratitude to be part of the workplace or the living environment. Many people not only think it's not necessary to say it, they don't see any reason why they should have to hear it.
If they know that it is their obligation, why bother to have to hear any gratitude, you just do the work because, you know, it is your obligation or duty.
To get people out of this framework, I've been telling a story for years. This funny story, jolts a lot of people out of this idea that we don't need gratitude. It's just if we do things out of the proper energy, that should be enough, why bother to get any gratitude?
Then especially when I tell them, we don't want to use gratitude as a reward, then they say, Why get it at all? If you do something, and you know you did it for the right reasons to contribute to people's lives. Why do we need the gratitude?
13:45
I tried to point out to them that our intention to enrich life isn't enough. We do need confirmation that our intention has been fulfilled.
The story that I tell them, to jolt them out of thinking that it's only important that our intention be to give and we don't have a need for any confirmation.
I tell them the story about two motorcyclists who are out on their motorcycles on a chilly day. It's so chilly, they get off of their motorbikes. They put their black leather jackets on backwards, so the color of the jacket protects their neck. They get back on the motorcycles and take off again and in a short time have a tragic accident. They hit a patch of ice.
When the ambulance driver arrives on the scene, the ambulance driver sees a good samaritan standing over them. And the ambulance driver says to the Good Samaritan, what happened to them? And the Good Samaritan said, I'm not too sure. They seem to be doing all right until I straightened their neck.
I'm pleased that how many people get the point. It's not enough that our intention is to enrich life. We need confirmation. Because very often it may be our intention to enrich people's lives but what were doing can have the exact opposite effect.
So, gratitude, when sincerely expressed is very important. We need to confirm that our intention to enrich life has been fulfilled. It's further important because when we get that confirmation, we feel a joyful feeling, a natural joyful feeling that comes when we see that the power we have can enrich life.
It has been my experience that there is nothing more fulfilling for human beings than when they exercise this power to enrich life and get confirmation that they have done so they can really experience how their efforts have enriched other people's lives.
The more we carry that energy within us, that comes when we receive this confirmation, the easier it is to continue to relate in a compassionate way with other people, even under difficult conditions.
What can feel better than using this power we have to enrich life, in the service of life, and seeing how our efforts have made life more wonderful for people?
Given its importance and power, it's all the more important that we look at what is keeping us from doing it.
So what are some of the things that people have told me keep them from expressing the gratitude that they have but haven't expressed?
What do they believe has kept other people from expressing gratitude to them that they would have liked to have received? I started trying to clarify what were the forces that were keeping so many people from expressing gratitude.
I got a real good start at this reading a passage of a book by John Powell called The Secret of Staying in Love. In this passage in the book, John Powell was mourning deeply that he had not expressed a lot of gratitude that he felt toward his father.
He had never expressed this gratitude while the father was alive. It was very sad for him to see just how much his life had been enriched by the Father. And yet he hadn't expressed his gratitude and he got in touch with what kept him from doing it.
17:59
What kept him from expressing the gratitude is while the father was alive, he had so much anger toward the father, that he didn't get in touch with the gratitude that he also felt.
This is so for most of us, when we're in a lot of pain, and we don't know how to deal with the pain, we get stuck in the pain.
Even though things are enriching our lives, it's hard for us to put our focus on that and to celebrate that and to express gratitude.
Our ability to express gratitude well, is highly correlated with how well we're able to express our pain, and receive empathy for our pain, and transform the pain.
The better we're able to do that, the more access we will have to celebrating that in life which is enriching life.
If we are blocked in knowing how to express ourselves, so that we can get an empathic reception of what's bothering us, we get stuck and don't have the energy or the consciousness or both, to really express sincere gratitude.
Having read what John Powell wrote about his sadness, at not having expressed this gratitude he felt toward his father, I wondered, oh my goodness, what gratitude might I have within me that I haven't expressed yet that I would hate not to express?
Immediately, about 12 things came to me, 12 things that other people had done in my life that had enrich my life very deeply, and I hadn't expressed the gratitude yet.
I wanted to avoid the sadness that John Powell experienced when he realized that he hadn't expressed this gratitude to his father.
I wanted to make sure that this gratitude that I was feeling but hadn't expressed, I would hate to think that the other person would die before they could really know how their actions had enriched my life.
I wanted to find out what kept me from doing so, for each item of gratitude that I hadn't yet expressed. I asked myself the question, what kept me, up until this point, from expressing that. I then took steps to make sure that as soon as possible, I would get to these people, so I would have a chance to express the gratitude in person.
One of the gratitude that I realized I hadn't expressed yet, I made reference to in an earlier session. I mentioned how it enriched my life to see my uncle come to my house each day and help my mother take care of my grandmother, who was totally paralyzed.
I mentioned in this previous session, how much that meant to me, to see that there was this quality in human beings that they enjoyed contributing to one another's well being, how much I needed to see that and experience that at a time in my life when there was so much violence going on around me.
When I went to the uncle the next time, I had an opportunity, because I wanted him to know, and I realized I had never told him what a profound effect that gratitude had on my life.
How I kept thinking about it over the years, how it was never far from me, how much it meant my need to remember that we human beings were meant to contribute to each other's well being, not to get caught up in all the violence.
I expressed that to him, I'm pleased that I made it pretty clear. I let him know that smile enriched my life in such a profound way. And I could see in his eyes that he received the gratitude, I could see how it was enriching him.
I also asked him, I said, uncle, how did you learn to do that? How did you learn to stay compassionate? I understand that you had a rough upbringing that you went through a lot of trauma in your life.
22:40
He liked the question, and he thought for a while and he said, Well, you know, I was very fortunate to have good teachers. I also happened to be around people who, I saw, enjoyed contributing to other people's well being. It was easy to learn from them.
I said, Could you give me an example who one of these people were?
He said, you know, the best teacher of all I had, it was your grandmother. Of course, when you lived with her, she was very ill.
When she wasn't ill, oh, how wonderful it was to be around her, and to see how she contributed to people's well being, and how much joy she felt in that, and how much people received from that and how much they enjoyed her presence. I learned so much from her.
I said, Could you give me an example of one of the things that she did that had great power for you in helping you remember the joy that we feel in contributing to people's well being?
He said, Well, there's so many things she did. It's hard to pick one out. He said, Well, as your mother told you about the time that she brought Taylor and his wife and two children into the house when they lost their house during the depression. They stayed in the house for five years.
Yes, my mother told me that story, uncle.
Then he went on and told me two other examples of how my grandmother helped people in distress, as well.
Yeah, my mother told me that.
I said, What? No, she didn't tell me about Jesus.
He went on to tell me this story about Jesus.
One day a man showed up at my mother's back door, he had a wild beard. Around his neck, he had a tree branch in the rough shape of a cross. Like many people did, knowing my grandmother's generosity, he said he was hungry and would appreciate some food.
She invited him into her kitchen. While he was sitting there eating, she asked him his name.
24:54
And he said, my name is Jesus.
Now, my grandmother Ask him, and what is your last name?
He said, I'm Jesus the Lord.
When my uncle came in the room, my grandmother introduced him as Mr. The Lord. My grandmother's english wasn't too good. She then asked this man, where do you live?
He said, I don't have a house.
She said, Where are you going to sleep tonight? It's very cold outside.
He said, I don't know.
She said, Would you like to stay here?
He stayed seven years.
After my uncle told me that story, I asked my mother that night, Mother, how come you never told me the story about Jesus?
Oh, she said, I thought I had. It was a story like that almost every day about your grandmother.
I was very touched by this story of my uncle telling me how he had been enriched by my grandmother's generosity to people, and how that strengthened him to enjoy being generous.
One day a man named Jesus came around to my grandmother’s door. He asked for a little food, she gave him more.
He said he was Jesus the Lord; she didn’t check him out with Rome. He stayed for several years, as did many without a home.
It was in her Jewish way, she taught me what Jesus had to say. In that precious way, she taught me what Jesus had to say.
And that’s: “Feed the hungry, heal the sick, then take a rest. Never walk when you can dance; make your home a cozy nest.”
It was in her Jewish way, she taught me what Jesus had to say. In her precious way, she taught me what Jesus had to say.
—“Grandma & Jesus” by Marshall B. Rosenberg
28:30
Now I'd like to discuss the reasons that people tell me that they themselves have not expressed gratitude yet, that they want to be sure they do express.
What they think the reasons might have been why gratitude they would have liked to have received, but they didn't.
- they think the other person knows
- that it's not necessary.
That was one of the reasons I saw that kept me from expressing some of the gratitude that I didn't express yet.
I tell people, when that's their reason for not expressing it, I tell them that I went to the people that I didn't express my gratitude to, because I assumed that they knew it, and I asked them, Did you know?
half of them did and half of them didn't.
But even the ones who did still told me they would have liked to have heard it.
Since then, when I tell myself, Well, it isn't necessary to express gratitude, they know. I'm also now quite eager to express the gratitude, even if I think they do know it. I still want to have the opportunity to express it directly and have them receive it.
Another frequent reason why people tell me they don't express the gratitude. They're afraid that it would be embarrassing for the other person, the other person would not know how to take it in very well.
I certainly had that, for one of the gratitude that I didn't express to my father. There was something that he had done that I found greatly enriched my life. When I asked myself, why didn't I express it?
It was for that reason that I guess that it would be not easy for him to take him that gratitude.
But, I certainly wanted to be sure that he did take it in before, it was no longer possible for me to tell him.
The next time I met with him, we went out for a walk together, which we usually did. While we're on the walk, I said Dad, I'd like to express a deep gratitude. I for you, and before I went any further, just what I predicted would happen was starting to take place, I could see he got very nervous and said, Oh, don't worry about expressing anything like that, you know, I mean, you're a good son.
I said, Dad, I really would like you to hear it. It's a very deep gratitude. And I really want to express it. I told him what this gratitude was, what he had done and how much it had enriched my life.
I saw it was hard for him to take in. But I could see in his eyes, something happened to him as a result of taking it in. And we continued on our walk silently for about 10 minutes after I express the gratitude.
Then he said to me, You know, I've been thinking, I can't remember ever hearing a gratitude from my own parents.
I could understand from the life that he led as a child why that happened. My grandparents were very loving people, but they were all poor. Just doing the work that was required to survive took everybody's energy. Under those circumstances, it's often not easy for people to get out of their pain long enough to celebrate life and to express gratitude.
32:27
I thought how horrible that would be for people to not get gratitude. Over the years since then, I've asked a lot of groups, are there anybody in the group that has never received a sincere gratitude, as we're learning how to express now?
It's sad to me how many people in the group cannot recall really receiving a sincere gratitude that deeply enrich their lives. They can recall people saying some thank yous, but they couldn't remember ever receiving a gratitude expressed, that clearly communicated, what was alive in the other person when they did what they did for that person, and how that person's life was enriched.
How sad that this can go on, and we don't take time in our lives to celebrate, or we don't know how to express it.
We're afraid that it's going to embarrass people, so we don't express it.
I find out this is one of the hardest things for people to do in a way that's consistent with Nonviolent Communication principles.
Nonviolent communication suggests that we empathically commit with any message that's coming at us, that we hear the feelings and needs be expressed by the person.
Well, if a person is expressing the gratitude to us, this means to hear the feelings and needs being expressed, to see how our actions enrich the other person's life to connect them perfectly with that.
But for many reasons, I find this is very hard for people to do. As I told you, it was hard for my father to do he had not been in an environment where much gratitude was expressed, he just didn't have much opportunity to know how to deal with credit.
There are several other reasons why I find that it's very hard for many people to take in gratitude empathically just to receive and celebrate how other people's lives have been enriched by what we have done.
I've asked people what makes it so hard?
There's various reasons why, people give me, but some of the most popular ones, some people will say, well, it's my duty to do that, you know, why should I feel good about it, or take it in? It's just what I was paid to do or what I'm supposed to do.
Just as it's hard for us to express gratitude, if we have this thinking of obligation, duty, and that's why you do things and that's all that's necessary. Just do what's right, because it's your obligation.
That means we often don't express gratitude, thinking it's the other person's duty and obligation, they shouldn't need any gratitude for it.
The same thing goes about receiving gratitude. If we've been educated to think it's our duty, we can't hear easily, how the person's life has been benefited by what we have done. We're not used to that.
Another reason that people tell me that it's very difficult for them to receive gratitude, is they think I didn't deserve it.
You know, I mean, it was just a little thing. I didn't deserve it.
Here again, we see still another aspect of the sad judicial system we've been living under, based on this concept of deserve. Retributive justice. If you're good boys and girls, you deserve to be rewarded. If you're bad boys and girls, you deserve to suffer.
Not only does that justify violence, punishment, that kind of thinking, but it blocks us from being able to take in and celebrate gratitude.
Because we have to really wonder, did I deserve it?
A third, commonly expressed reason people tell me They don't receive the gratitude very easily is they say,
Doesn't that mean you're egotistical to take in gratitude and feel good about it? We should be humble.
37:18
I warn people about that concept, how to not get it mixed up. Certainly we don't want to think we're greater or better than anybody else.
I tell people that have this concept of humility. I tell them about something that Golda Meir, the Israeli Prime Minister, once said to one of her politicians, who was always acting very humbly she said to him one day, don't be so humble, you're not that great.
By far what I consider the most frequent reason that people don't receive gratitude well, is said very powerfully in the Course in Miracles. When they say it is our light, not our darkness, it scares us the most.
When we have been living under a domination culture, where we are rewarded and punished by authorities told to do things out of duty and obligation, it's hard within that structure to really feel that we are created out of divine energy.
It's really hard to be conscious that we have this power to enrich life, and it's hard to celebrate that because we have been trained to think in a way so different than that, in a way that was designed to get us to be obedience to authority and not designed to help us be conscious of the power we have to enrich life, and how joyful it is to use that power, and see it coming into fruition in the gratitude that we receive from other people.
When I was looking at the problem that so many people had receiving gratitude, I wasn't aware of how much trouble I was having with it.
I'd be very grateful that a friend of mine, who is a musician, and had been writing songs that I very much valued and had started to use in my trainings. One day she told me how grateful she was about what she had received from me in the workshops, and how grateful she was that it was now stimulating her to write music that she found was enjoyed by so many people.
So she expressed such a deep gratitude to me, and I was uncomfortable receiving it.
I said something like, Oh, I'm glad that you found it helpful.
She could sense that I wasn't really comfortable receiving the gratitude.
She brought this to my attention. She said, Now, Marshall, I didn't feel like you really receive my gratitude very empathically now.
I looked inside and I said, Yeah, I can see that I didn't. What went on in me when you gave me that gratitude, when I saw how much it had enriched your life, I was starting to hear some obligations, some demands, now I had to keep enriching your life. Now that I saw that I had that power, I was feeling like I have to do something with it. I was making a demand of it.
She told me how painful that was, her gratitude hadn't been received empathically, and the next day, she came in and had written a song about how painful that was for her.
She went back that night and was still feeling uncomfortable that she had poured out her heart so openly and she could see that I didn't receive it empathically and she wrote the following song.
It really helped me to see how important it was to learn how to receive gratitude empathically
41:37
When I come gently to you,
I want you to see
it's not to get myself from you,
it's just to give you me.
I know you can't give me me, no matter what you do. All I ever want from you, is you.
When I come gently to you, I want you to know, I come not to trespass your space, I want to touch and grow.
When your space and my space meet, each is not less but more. We make our space that wasn't space before.
When I come gently to you, I want you to see, it's not to get myself from you, it's just to give you me.
I know you can give me, me, no matter what you do. All I ever want from you, is you.
43:25
Two weeks later, we both had an opportunity to continue our learning about how difficult it was, both to express gratitude, and not have it received well, and why it was so difficult to receive it. Except now we reversed the roles because two weeks later, I was expressing a deep gratitude to her, about how much the music that she brought into our training, how much it enriched my work and my life.
I expressed it pretty deeply and I could see that she couldn't take it in, and I could see how badly it felt to really be coming from the heart with a gratitude and not have an empathic reaction to that.
That night, she went home and could really see how hard it was for her to receive gratitude, and this song came to her.
44:33
Your arms are warm around me,
their welcome is complete.
Your voice it channels through me
The syllables are sweet.
Your eyes are pure as darkness
too compelling to deceive.
Why is it so hard to believe? It's just as much a mockery, to touch the truth and be unable to receive it, as to speak hypocrisy, to stand before a gift of self, unable to receive.
Why is it so hard to believe? If somehow I could see myself through your honest searching eyes. Perhaps I could accept myself Come to realize that it's not so incredible, that love should come to me.
Why is it so hard to believe? I know how much I love you how much I want to give your trust affirms my love for you, Lets my loving live.
To give is domination, if I can't also receive Why is it so hard to believe?
46:44
Given that both giving and receiving gratitude is so important in maintaining our consciousness of the spirituality that is necessary for Nonviolent Communication to have its power.
I think it's very important to look at our lives and see, are we creating the space to do it?
It's not only difficult, sometimes, to express it, when we have the space, or to receive it, when it's being expressed. Very often, we don't create space in our lives for celebration.
We get so busy that we don't have the time or space built, to do this, and then I think we pay dearly for it because we don't get the juice, the energy that we need to live in harmony with compassion.
I've done some things that have been very helpful to me and built some things into my life that helped me to remember to leave space for sincere gratitude and celebration.
For example, one of the things that I have learned to do each day, which I'm very grateful for, is I keep a book, a gratitude book.
Now, what do I put in that book?
48:18
I like to think of at least one thing that I have done within the last 24 hours that I want to celebrate.
It might be something I did that enriched just my life, or it might have been something I did that contributed also to someone else's well being.
What I like to do is write down what it takes to help me see those three things, that are central to gratitude, as expressed in a Nonviolent Communication way.
I write down something that helps me be clear what did I do that I want to celebrate?
Second, I write down how am I feeling at the moment that I'm doing this, how do I feel right now, remembering what I had done?
Three, I write down what need of mine was fulfilled by my doing that. Then when I have those three things written down, I want to celebrate it, I want to take it in.
When I can slow down and just take in what I can do, how good it feels to see how I've enriched life, how good it feels to see what need of mine was met by doing that, to slow down long enough to take that in, I draw a little flower just to give myself the time to celebrate.
Now on many days, I may write down more than one thing. I may write down several of them, but I want to at least think of one.
I like to start the day by thinking of at least something I've done that has enriched life and how good it feels to do that.
I write down those three things:
- I write down what they did.
- I write down how I feel about them having done that.
- And I write down what need of mine was fulfilled by their doing that.
50:19
Then I draw flower, just to slow me down so I can just let in what they did and how good it felt.
Then I asked myself this question, have I expressed clearly to that person, just how much my life was enriched by that?
50:47
Very often I find that I either didn't, or I expressed it in a lazy Nonviolent Communication way. Now, here's how you express gratitude and a lazy Nonviolent Communication way. You say thank you, and sometimes that's all we need to do sometimes just saying thank you, the person can see they know what they did, and can sense perhaps how we feel and what need was met.
There are some gratitudes that I want to be sure the person really got clear just how much what they did enriched my life.
Then I want to find out from this what kept me from it, and I write down what kept me from it. But then when I haven't done it, this gives me another chance.
This makes me aware. Then, if I'm going to see them again that day, gives me a chance to express it to them in person.
If I'm already traveled to another place, I can always call them or write them a letter, but I want to be sure that gratitude in my life, gratitude that I have for others is expressed, and I want to make sure that gratitude others expressed to me is received.
Now, I also would suggest that we build into our lives, not only space to stop and celebrate what we can do, that we feel good about. But that we see how good it can feel to others sometimes, if we share with them our celebration of what we can do, if we do it in what I call non sneaky bragging.
I use that phrase after working with a friend of mine who was living in a low income culture in San Francisco. He was a person of color, and for various reasons, I asked him to travel with me to the Midwest of the United States to help me in some work I was doing there.
After three days, in what was for him quite a different culture, I was curious about what it was was like for him.
I asked him, I said, Hey, what's it like being in this culture with all these white people and most of them college professors?
He said, it's okay man, but what really drives me nuts, to tell you the truth, is the sneaky bragging.
I asked what he meant by sneaky bragging.
He said, well, like at the lunch table today. He heard this woman talk for 20 minutes giving us all these facts about how she had gotten a research proposal funded and she was talking as though it was just interesting facts that she was giving.
It was obvious she was trying to celebrate that she got something she worked hard for. Why couldn't she just come out and say how good she felt about what she did?
When he told me that, it just really struck me about the difference in cultures, because when I was up at his place, where I stayed, when I was working at that time in his region. I noticed how when his friends came in the house, they didn't do sneaky bragging, they came right out and celebrated something they had done that day, and how they made clear how they felt about it and what needs of theirs were met. They did it in their own cultural style.
I thought, how wonderful that was that people could do that. I also thought at that moment about a book I had read recently about research done on why conversations are boring in middle class culture. It was for this reason that when people really want to celebrate something they've done, they think it might sound egotistical or self centered, to be open and honest about how good they feel about something they've done, so they bury it behind a bunch of words that talk about the situation, but don't really indicate how good it feels to them to have done what they did. They don't make clear what needs of theirs were met by doing it.
This was a prison I'd worked at before, and when I came in, the director of the prison said, you're going to have your hands full with the group you're working with today. There's been lots of tension on the ward, even more than usual.
Well, there usually was a lot of tension. I thought it's probably going to be something today. Then as I got into room, I was with about 20 prisoners and about six guards. I could see in their faces, they were all upset and just ready to get at each other.
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I said to them, before we start the workshop today, I know we got lots of tension to deal with. But I've been thinking on the way here's something a friend told me yesterday about what he called sneaky bragging and how people are reluctant to express something they've done that they feel good about.
So before we get into all the heavy stuff today, let's go around, and I'd like each of you to tell me one thing you've done recently that you feel good about.
Tell me what you did and how you feel about doing it and what need was met. This will give us some chance to practice what we worked on in other sessions, how to express feelings and needs only this will give us a chance to try it out with something we've done that we feel good about, because it met a need of ours, and then we'll get into the heavy stuff I said.
I suggested we start on my left. There sitting on my left was a gentleman who was a prisoner, and who the previous three sessions that we had, had hadn't said one word, he just stared at me.
Anyway, I said, So would you be willing to start? Now for the first time he said something, and it was obvious that he had been listening in previous sessions, because he made a clear observation to express the feeling, he said, pointing at one of the guards across the room, when you came in my room today to wake me up to go to work, and I didn't cuss you out like I usually do. I feel good that I didn't do that.
Well, he did express and clear observation. And he did say he felt good, but he didn't connect it to his needs.
I wondered, well, should I just leave well enough alone, but anyway, I said to him, and what about the need?
He said, I know he wakes me up because he wants me to develop good work habits. Just because I don't like getting up in the morning, I don't want to take it out on him.
I like that way of expressing his self gratitude. By the time we got to two more people, there was a whole different energy in the group, just to start by people celebrating something they've done that met their needs and that they felt good about.
Then when we got into the conflicts, we were able to deal with them with a whole different energy. Now it's not only important to do this kind of celebration by myself, I also want to do it with the people that I'm the closest with. Because even there, it's very easy to get so caught up in so many things that we don't just stop and celebrate.
For example, in many of the families that I work with, they'll stop before eating a meal to say grace and give thanks for the food.
I asked them, Do you do the same to stop and give thanks for what people in the family have done that is enriching your life?
Sadly most of them tell me no. I have been recommending to families that I work with, to consider the option of taking some time every day, not out of duty obligation have to but out of the desire to celebrate to celebrate how you can enrich one another's lives.
My wife and I take time every morning before we go off into the world. This opportunity to stop and express openly what the other has done that has enriched our life to tell them as best we can, how it enriched our lives.
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I tell people to look at their work setting, are they expressing gratitude and receiving gratitude in their workplace.
In many of the places that I work, they just can't even imagine it. For example, I was working in a big business in Madison, Wisconsin.
After three days of showing them how Nonviolent Communication could help them in dealing with all the conflicts they were having within departments and between departments, toward the end, we did a little session on gratitude.
After showing them how to express and receive gratitude in a Nonviolent communication way.
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I asked him, do you take time anytime in your meetings to express gratitude?
A couple of the people kind of laughed, because even the thought of doing that seems strange to them.
The director of the program said to me, Marshall, we've got so many things to deal with each week in our meetings, that it's hard for us to figure out what to put in the agenda. We don't have time, you know, to stop and express gratitude.
I went back a month later, to that company. Before the day began, I was sitting in the director's office. And I asked him, I said, How are things going? Has the training helped in dealing with the conflicts that you were having? H
e thought for a moment and said, Oh, yeah, yeah, Marshall. The trainings really helped in dealing with those conflicts. But to tell you the truth, you know what really helped the most? Do you remember you suggested that we take some time out of every meeting and express gratitude?
I said, Yes, I remember very clearly that I suggested that, and you didn't seem too happy with that idea.
He said, No, I wasn't, I really saw so much that had to get done. An associate of mine, he really liked the idea. He kept bugging me. The next three days, he would say, hey, why not? We can make time for it.
I finally said, Okay, okay. And we took 10 minutes at the beginning of our meeting, just to give people a chance to express gratitude, before we got into all of the hard stuff.
He said, now, Marshall, we're up to 20 minutes. We found that when we take that much time to stop and slow down and celebrate what's being done, how it's enriching our lives, we find that even then when we get into the hard stuff, it is so much more productive.
While we're on this subject of gratitude, I would like to express my deep gratitude that you have taken this time to hear what I've had to offer.
I've been offering you that which is very precious in my life, and it's quite a gift that you have given me your presence to receive this.
1:02:33
I hope that these sessions have strengthened your awareness of the preciousness of connection. It is possible for us at any time with any person. A precious connection that I like, is described beautifully for me in the following song
I stand with you in wonder, and somewhere from the past a phrase that tells about a burning bush comes flashing through my mind.
Smile if I should call you a flaming revelation. And yet that you reveal to me your feelings and needs honestly is giving of a shining sacred kind
still before your gift of self for the presence you present hear the ancient image speak, stand on holy ground.
Remembering that barefoot is appropriate for such a place I laugh with joy to cast aside the heavy shoes that hold them high and suddenly I dance with newfound grace
You have given to me, so I expose the depths of self to you. Somehow we are one in love Yet both of us are free Touch is not to hold, to burn with life is not to be consumed reverence the mystery of human personality is to encounter word made flesh in me
1:05:15
This concludes the Nonviolent Communication Training Course with Marshall Rosenberg. Music by Stephen McNamara. For more information on the work of Marshall Rosenberg, please visit the worldwide web @ www.cnbc.org.
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