In this session, I'll be talking about how Nonviolent Communication can support us in deepening our intimate relationships.
Nonviolent Communication 5 Marshall Rosenberg
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- Introduction
- Love as a Need
- Saying No
- Needs Before Strategies
- Needs Related to Sex
- Sexual Stereotypes
- Resolving Conflicts
- Vulnerable Feelings for Men
- Resources
0:01
In this session, I'll be talking about how Nonviolent Communication can support us in deepening our intimate relationships. Let's start with a dialogue that is likely to be heard in almost any intimate relationship, at least variations of it.
One person says to the other, do you love me?
And the other person said, Oh, yes, of course. And the first person said, but I want you to be really sincere about this. Please, I want you to seriously look at this. Do you love me? And the other person seriously contemplates this and waits and thinks and then finally said, Yes, I really do.
The first person said, then why did it take you so long to respond?
This question is very important, "do you love me?" And it's very hard to answer because we very often don't get clear in intimate relationships what we really mean by that word love.
In an earlier session, I mentioned how some people use the word love as a feeling and emotion. And if they do that, it's pretty hard to know how to answer that question without reference to a specific time and place because feelings change every few seconds.
In Nonviolent Communication, we use the word love as a need, and a very important need. What's very important is to know how to manifest this need, to contribute to that need being met, in people that we care for, and that we have intimate relationships with.
I have found in working with couples for many years, the best way that we can really meet people's need for love is to do two things.
First of all, express those needs within us those messages within us that are the hardest to express the most scary to express. When we have that ability to share that which is not easy to express, we get a chance to get these needs fulfilled. But if we are so frightened of expressing these needs that we don't say anything that creates barriers in the relationship. It's very difficult for many reasons for people to express these needs that need to be expressed in intimate relationships, and when they do express the need, very often it's done with an energy that provokes the very opposite of what we would really like.
The reason for that is that instead of seeing expressing needs as a gift to other people, and the culture that we've lived within for about 10,000 years, needs get associated with something very negative. They get associated with being needy. They get associated with being selfish, ego centric. As a result, when we do express the need, we often do it with that energy behind it. That leads the need to be heard by other people often as something that is very negative.
For example, if I have a need for some support, for helping with my children on a given day, I have an important event. appointment, I can't find some way to take care of the children and get to this appointment and I need some support someone to help me with the children.
I go to my partner, and I say, I know you've got a lot of things planned today, and I talked about this day being your time to do these things. But I just got an appointment with the doctor that I need to do. I know it's not necessary for me to do it. I know I could postpone it for another day...
In other words, the more I go on with this kind of apology for having the need and justifying it, the harder it is for the other person to give out of loving energy.
4:49
It's very important is to develop a consciousness that our needs are precious gift if they are expressed in a way in which we are not demanding that the person meet our request, in relationship to our needs.
If the other person trusts that when we say our needs, and we follow it with a request, that we only want them to do it, if they can do it willingly, joyfully.
When we have this consciousness that our needs are a gift, we then express them with a totally different energy an energy that makes it much easier for the other person to enjoy receiving our needs, and makes it much easier for them to respond out of the joy of giving.
So the intent behind expressing our needs in an intimate relationship, it's very important that we see the need as a gift.
There's two other things that are very important in expressing needs. We follow the need that isn't being met, that we would like to have fulfilled, with a clear request. If we simply express the need without the request, it often leaves the other person in a position either of not being clear what we want, or with the idea that we expect them to know what we want them to do about it.
For example, if a partner one says to partner two, I'm very lonely right now, I really need some connection, and then stops, and doesn't say anything about what they're wanting at that moment from the other person. It's very easy for the other person to hear that. This person has an expectation of me, I'm supposed to know what it is they want right now.
Once we have expressed a need that isn't being met, we need to follow it with a very clear request.
Then, as I said in prior sessions, we want to be sure that the other person hears a request and not a demand. And that's often not easy. Because especially in an intimate relationship, given what some people have been taught about intimacy and love, if they hear in need of somebody they care for, they can turn it into something they have to do something about. They believe that they're responsible for this other person's happiness and therefore they must do what this person wants.
When we receive the other person's needs in this way, if we do what they want, they'll pay for it. They'll pay for it because we're not giving out of a joyful energy. We're giving out of expectation, energy, should energy or we're giving out of energy to buy the other persons love.
I'm thinking of an example.
One night, two in the morning, my doorbell was ringing. I get out of bed, open the door and it's a woman eight months pregnant, she's crying her heart out. It's pouring rain. I said, Come in, come in, and sit her down in my living room.
She cries and said, I've been married eight years. I've been married eight years. My husband has always been so loving, so loving. He's always done everything I've ever asked. And tonight, I asked for a little thing. And he said, Get out. And he pushed me out the door.
Well, this is a rough way to be woken up in the middle of the night and I said,
Excuse me, are you one of my neighbors?
She said no. I come from the other part of down. I said, Well, how did you get over here?
She said, I didn't know what to do. I was desperate. I called my mother, she lives in another state, and I said, what should I do mother? My mother was in a workshop with you last month. And she told me that I should come over and talk to you about this.
I said, Oh, I see.
9:25
She told me further about this husband and how no matter what she ever asked for, or ever wanted, the husband did.
I had a guess right away what was going on. This husband was one of these very nice loving people who believes that he's responsible for the happiness of the other person, and that in order to be loved himself, he must deny his needs and always take care of the other person. It's always seems very wonderful for the other person until one day one day, like this woman, you pay for it.
When we give out of this belief, if I am a husband or wife, it's my responsibility to make the other person happy, I'm responsible for their well being, this confusion about what responsibility means, thinking that it means I'm responsible for the other person's happiness, puts us into a very awkward bind. We can only be responsible for that over which we have some control, we can only control what goes on within ourselves. We can't control what goes on in others.
When I tricked myself into thinking I'm responsible for my partner's happiness, I'm taking on a job that I can't do. I cannot make the other person happy. I can only be responsible for my own actions, my own intentions. The other person is responsible for how they take what I do, how they interpret it, and what they do to get their needs met.
Keeping this concept of responsibility clear is very important in intimate relationships. It's very important to see that we cannot be responsible for other people's happiness. We cannot be responsible for other people's actions. We are responsible for our own intentions and actions.
When we take responsibility for other people's feelings, whenever they are in distress we feel pressure, we have to do something about it. It's our job to make the person feel better. This will take all joy out of anything we do to contribute to the other person's well being.
Let's go back to that story about the woman crying in my living room because her husband been always given to her everything she wanted, always took care of her. And one night she asked for a little thing and he says "Get out".
We called him up and asked him to come over. And he came over. And it was very clear from the beginning that he was one of these people who thought that if you love somebody, you have to deny your own needs, you have to suppress them and take care of the other person in order to buy love so that they will keep loving you in order to avoid guilt.
If you say no to something and they feel hurt, you feel as though it's your no that hurt them, rather than how they took it.
There's a poem that we used to say in my neighborhood when we were children. If somebody called you a name, we would recite this poem:
sticks and stones can break my bones but names can never hurt me.
That was a very important thing to learn that what other people say or do can't hurt us. It's how we take it. If somebody says 'no' to us, that can't make us feel bad, it's how we interpret the no. We lose this consciousness, we lose the wisdom of that poem, as we get educated in a way that makes interdependence not what happens in intimate relationships, but co-dependence, where people take on responsibility for each other's happiness.
That requires giving up your own honesty, your own integrity, you must always do what the other person wants to make them happy. That soon makes the person that we have the deepest relationship with, the biggest burden of all.
That's why it's so much easier for many people to respond to a need of a neighbor than it is to respond to the person that they're the closest with.
14:04
Men and women seem to get different kinds of cultural education that make intimacy difficult for them, in different ways.
For example, many of the women I work with have a difficult time expressing their needs. They have internalized cultural programming that says that loving women have no needs. Ao demonstrate their love for others, they believe that you must suppress your needs in favor of the other person.
Men on the other hand seemed to have real difficulty expressing their feelings, especially any feelings that imply vulnerability, like feeling hurt, or sad, or lonely. They are educated in what I call the john wayne concept of masculinity and that's supposed to have such vulnerable feelings.
To remind myself off of this, I keep a picture of John Wayne in my office. It shows him with six arrows in him, and he says It only hurts when I laugh.
One of the messages that is very important to know how to say in an intimate relationship is no.
Especially when the person that we care for has some need that seems very strong at the moment and they're in some pain. But things within us are going on such that we can't really give with the kind of energy that Nonviolent Communication recommends that we give out of that is that we do it totally willingly. We're not giving in or giving up.
How do we say no under these very difficult conditions?
For example, let's say that our partner looks at lonely and says, you know, I'm lonely this evening and I have a real need for some companionship. Would you be willing to put down that work you're doing? And just come and spend some time with me?
How do we say no to that?
If there is, for whatever reason, something that keeps us from doing it out of joy, out of willingness, out of making sure that we're not giving in or giving up? How do we say no?
The empathic connection lets the other person know that we do care about their needs. We show that care by taking the time to stop and really connect with what's going on in them.
At times this can be non verbally communicated, they can see in our eyes that we are really with them, we see their loneliness, we see their needs.
Sometimes we might express it verbally, we might say, so you're really lonely this evening and really need some connection?
That's an important step in saying no to begin by, either verbally or non verbally communicating that we are with them, in the need, we see what's going on in them.
If we're so tense about the fact that we are not wanting to do what the other person is asking us to do that the first thing they see in our eyes is some tension or fear, they can easily mistake that we have received their need not as a gift, but as something negative.
We start with this empathy for the other person's needs when we say no, and then we follow it with the need of ours that keeps us from willingly being able to do what they're asking of us at this moment.
In some situation, it might be said this way,
I have a need right now to take a lot of the pressure off myself of things that people are wanting of me at work. I express here, a need at this moment that's present in me, that keeps me from being able to willingly contribute to what my partner might be requesting. Then it's important to follow the need, that keeps me from saying yes, with a request that searches for a way to get everybody's needs met.
And that might sound like this.
I'd like you to tell me, if are getting together in about a half an hour. Would it be okay for you? I think in that half hour, I could release my tension and be able to be fully with you.
To say no:
- We empathically connect with the other person's needs, silently or verbally.
- We say our need that keeps us from saying yes.
- We end on a request that searches for a way to get everybody's needs met.
19:35
We go through the process I mentioned. And then the person is better able to see that their need was received as a gift, and that we care about their need, even if, at this moment, there's a need of ours that keeps us from doing what the person wants.
If our partner doesn't know how to say no in this way, we need to be prepared to know how to deal with somebody who doesn't know how to say no, and who either gives in because they hear a demand or responds in other ways that are hard to live with.
What are some of these hard ways to live with, when our partners might hear our needs and requests as demands and not know how to say no, in the way that I just outlined?
Well, one way, a person often says no, when they hear a demand, is no. You can tell from the tone of their voice that they heard a demand, they heard pressure upon them.
Another way that some people handle the requests they don't want to respond to. They make a diagnosis of what is wrong with the person for having the need. If we're going to be good at expressing our needs, we want to be sure that we are prepared to deal with somebody who gives us a diagnosis for having our needs.
Someone who says things like, you're too sensitive, you're too dependent, you're too this, you're too that whatever. A diagnosis that, if we don't empathically connect with what's going on in them when they say that, if we take it, that there is something wrong with us for having our needs, we have just given that person some power, that's not good for either of us.
We've given them the power to make us feel that our needs are something negative, that they're caustic. At's very important that we know how to respond empathically to people, when they do respond that way to our needs when they say no, or when they say these diagnoses of us for having the need, we need to hear the feelings and needs behind their no, or behind the criticism, judgment, diagnosis, that they make of us for having the needs.
If the other person says, in response to my having said that I'm lonely and would like some company and ask them to come over and sit with me and talk for a while, if they say back, you're so dependent. Can't you take care of yourself? I've got to be sure that I don't hear what they think of me.
What are they needing when they say that?
I might respond this way. Are you frustrated right now cuz you're wanting to do what you've chosen to do and not give that up? Because you think you need to take care of me. If the other person says "you're darn right". I might want to do what is necessary to help them learn how to hear my need as a gift, my requests as gifts, and not as demand.
I might say to the person, can you tell me how I could have expressed my needs and request to you, so that it would be a gift to you, and not as a demand.
I wouldn't be surprised if that really stunned the other person, because this is asking them to make a difference, that's not easy for people to make, given how we have been trained to think about intimate relationships, which requires us to give up ourself and take care of the other person.
If I asked this person, how could I have expressed that so you could receive it as a gift? I wouldn't be surprised if I got this answer.
I might have to repeat that. How can I let you know what my needs are, and what I'm requesting of you, so that you can believe that I only want you to do it if you can do it joyfully, that it's not giving in or giving up?
This is pretty complicated for someone to understand. They might still look very perplexed. I may want to let them know why this is so important to me, I might say. I'd like you to see that right now I have two options, and I don't like having only these two options. The two options are, if I have some needs and requests, to express them, but then if you hear it as a demand, you either then get upset and say no or you give in.
Either way, that's not what I would like.
If I keep my needs to myself, then that limits the honesty between us and it limits my ability to get my needs met from you at times, when it might be good for both of us. How can I express my needs and my requests so that you receive it as a gift. That you're conscious I only want you to give, if it's from the heart, willingly, and never done out of fear that I won't love you. If you don't feel fear that I will take it as a rejection and get hurt and depressed.
This is very important to work out in intimate relationships, how each party can hear each other's needs when they are expressed in a way that they trust that the partner only wants them to give if it can be done willing.
I'd like to do a song now of what happens when we don't express our feelings and needs honestly. What can happen when our partner does express their feelings and needs openly and honestly, but we don't receive it. empathically when we do that, the person that we love the most, could become a festival of pain, as described in this song.
26:19
Yes I know that I can always count on you
I can always count on you, to come up with something new
Along about the time I think you've done all you can do to me,
You find another way, to rip my pride awake,
Yes I know I can always count on you
For some brand new humiliation Some well thought out and novel degradation. You're festival of pain and I keep coming back again. Cuz I know I can always count on you
You trumped all around my mind at least a million times And to have gotten dream unspoiled not an idea left behind. You say my eyes are gettin' glazy, well lord, your love has made me crazy. Yes, I know I can always count on you
For some brand new humiliation Some well thought out and novel degradation You're a festival of pain, and I keep coming back again. Cuz I know I can always count on you.
28:01
Another problem that often makes it hard for people to enjoy giving in an intimate relationship is when their partner skips the need and just expresses their pain and goes immediately to a strategy.
For example, if a person says to their partner, I'm feeling very hurt. You've only been home two days out of the last month, in the evening, would you please correct your schedule so that you are home at least four evenings a week.
Now notice what that person has expressed.
- They've expressed an observation: the amount of time the other person has been home in the evening
- their pain was expressed,
- but they skipped over the need,
- and went to a strategy.
Now one could assume, wouldn't the other person guess that the need behind that was for some closeness, for some intimacy that wasn't being met?
Well, it's not too likely, in my experience that the person and receiving that message is going to be able to do that very easily when the need is not expressed.
When they hear the pain, and immediately the pain is followed by a request. Very often in my experience, that request is going to be heard as a demand.
It's very important when we are in a good deal of pain about something, that we be conscious, it's by really focusing on our need, making the need clear and our feelings clear. It's that information when people have that focus, then specific strategies that are requested have a whole different case to them.
Then if the person goes from the pain to the request, I have suggested an activity to many couples that have consulted with me and who are interested in how can we deepen our relationship?
Let me suggest that in your lives that you give space, regular space, to dealing with a scary question.
That scary question is, what am I afraid to tell you? When you take the time to do this, the person responds by saying what is a scary message to say, and really works hard expressing that in a way that makes it clear to the other person that there's no criticism or no demand intended in what they say.
It's very important that the other person, really be conscious of when people are in the most pain and have the most scary messages to say. Those are the ones we need to be sure we just hear what they're feeling needing and requesting and never hear any criticism or demand.
Not too surprisingly, one of the things that people in relationships find most difficult to talk about is their sexuality, and to make it clear whether their needs relative to sex are being met.
One of the things that we recommend is that they get so good at expressing these scary messages, that they don't wait to express them when they are sitting down and have time to express. They learn to express these scary messages, even while they're having sex.
In fact, we suggest that to really enjoy sex, you have to know how, in the middle of sex to communicate clearly scary messages. In our weekends that we do for couples, we often do a little exercise on what this would look like, how you would express, in the middle of the sexual act, when your needs are not getting met. How you could do this in a way that would be a gift to the other person?
32:43
People find this very scary to even think of. Oh my goodness, how unromantic, in the middle of the sexual act, to express clearly what is not meeting one's needs and what would better meet them. They think, wouldn't that take away all the romance and joy out of sexuality that has such a conversation in the middle of the act?
Well, it may have that association of not being very romantic, and it may go against the cultural programming, that if you're really competent man and woman, you don't have any problems in your sexual relationships, they just flow. The reality is, the degree to which you can be honest about such sensitive issues, even in the middle of the sexual act, I predict this is one of the best ways to enjoy sexuality more and more.
That could sound like this. One partner is in a mood for sexuality and communicate non verbally that they might be open to this, by reaching over and touching their partner in a sensitive part of the body in a gentle way, trying to communicate, I'm getting turned on and would really like to get into sex with you.
The other party might be really wanting to finish reading what they were reading. And they were really involved in it. Now how do you, when you sense your partner right now is really in a mood for sexuality, how do you respond to that?
34:28
Well, some people would deny their needs and feel like "oh my goodness, I have to please my partner now." They might put down what they were reading and put on a smile and say, Hey, what's going on?
If they do that, and continue with the sexual act, when they're not really into it, the other person is highly likely to be sensing that they're not into it and It's probably not going to be a very enjoyable experience for both people. If it is for one to the one who gave in. It's going to have some association with sexuality that both people will pay for it because if we give up our needs for our partner, in any aspect of relationships, everybody pays for it eventually.
If the people are courageous and skilled, honesty is Nonviolent Communication supports the person who was reading, but again, start with empathic response to the other person either non verbally just showing by look that we see the other person is reaching out to us sexually. Or might just say words that show that looks like you'd like some real closeness and love on it and the other person say Yeah.
36:02
And now comes how to say no, honestly, as we've talked about. A person might say, I'm torn right now, I really would like to get into it with you. And yet at the moment, I'm not really there. I'm kind of caught in this article I'm reading. How would it be for you if we get into this in about 20 minutes? That would be how to express oneself even in the middle of intimacy, when our needs may not coincide at that moment when the needs are not the problem there.
Of course, it's the strategy because in that case, the problem was that one person would like to get into the sexual act, but not at this moment. Their strategy was for in a different time.
If we are going to be honest like that, we've got to be prepared for the other person not receiving the message empathically.
They might just be hearing that as a rejection.
And their response might sound something like this. Forget it. I'm sorry, I reached out, I should have known that reading material was more important to you than our relationship.
We've got to be prepared, anytime we express ourselves vulnerably, we got to be prepared to empathically deal with what comes back. In that case, the person might say, so sounds like you're feeling really hurt. You we're really in the mood right now for some real closeness and intimacy, and are disappointmented.
That wouldn't be good for either.
In that situation, where we respond with words when we see the other person wanting to get into physical activity, someone might say is that going to destroy the beauty of our intimacy with others when we need to talk in the middle of something. If somebody reaches out touches you in this gentle way, wouldn't it be more loving to put down whatever you are working on and get into their energy and whatever way you could?
Well, that's one way that people define intimacy that if you really care for people in an intimate relationship, and you see what their needs are, you suppress your own needs and give to them.
My experience is that if we give, anytime, out of an energy where we feel even slightly we have given in or given up our own self, both people pay for it.
Because that adds up. Each time we give in, out of that, it does something to destroy the relationship. If the person was honest, in the way that I said, and the other person gets hurt by it, and the person who chose not to get into the sex act that moment empathizes with the other person. If that dialogue continues, so that in these very sensitive areas, were able to talk about it, at the time, and be honest, and be empathic to the other person's response, that intimacy is very powerful.
In fact, I believe that it is so powerful that when we have that quality of intimacy that we can be honest, even at the most sensitive times.
The other aspect of the intimacy, in this case, the sexual act, it will get better in the future as a result of people being able to trust that the partner is fully there, and there's no giving in or giving up.
Of course, another thing that can get in the way of intimacy and hetero sexual relationships are the stereotypes that we carry about what a man's job is and what a woman's job is.
Many people carry the idea that there are certain jobs that the man should do certain jobs that the woman should do. That already creates some limits to the quality of connection to can have because then people are doing things out of should energy out of have to energy, obligation energy.
Nonviolent communication suggest that we really make sure that everything we're doing is done willingly.
41:03
And it's done out of an energy that comes when we see that we are enriching life. And it's meeting our need to enrich life so that we never feel as though we are sacrificing ourself for the other people.
When I do empathy training for women, many of the women that I work with find it very hard to hear their partner's needs without losing their own needs, other people's needs are more important to them.
I often recommend to such women an article written by the columnist Ellen Goodman. When she warned women be careful about learning how to empathize better with other people's needs. Gotta be sure as women, she says, that we don't empathize at the cost of losing connection with ourselves. She warns that given our cultural training as women, it's very easy to lose ourselves in other people's needs.
In the work that I do with women, very often, I see what Ellen Goodman was talking about, that when women really do empathize and see partner of theirs needing something, they automatically lose connection with themselves and start to do for the other person. But know later that that wasn't in harmony with their needs.
They can tell from their feelings, there's a different energy, when we are giving fully out of our own need to contribute to the other person's well being. And that isn't mixed at all, with this idea that it's our obligation or duty to care for the other person.
Many of the men that I work with have a cultural status, A type, that as a man, they are totally responsible for their woman's smile and happiness so that if she's not smiling and happy, it means they have failed somehow as a man. Very often, this makes it hard for them to say no. Because they're afraid that if they say no, they're partner's going to be unhappy, and the very sign of the woman being unhappy, they interpret that I'm not a very competent man.
Especially if the woman is not satisfied, totally, sexually, many men take it as a sign of their own inadequacy, rather than just empathically connecting with the woman to find out how the womans needs could be better met.
When we take responsibility for other people's feelings, rather than our own actions, that is when our giving is mixed. It doesn't contain the pure joy of giving that's necessary for relationships to be strengthened.
As I mentioned earlier, we need to be sure that when we have a needs that we express those needs before going to strategies. When I talked about this earlier, I said if we go immediately the strategy without the need, it's easy for other people to hear this as a demand as though we are only concerned with what we want. It's when the need is expressed, then it can make it easier to give.
This is also very important in resolving conflicts, that we're aware that when the needs are expressed and fully understood, conflicts can be resolved much easier than when the need isn't evident. This was reflected very powerfully in a training I once did for men and women. And one of the couples that attended said they were on the point of divorce.
I said to them, if you want to work on this, I'd be glad to do it.
The husband said, No, we've tried to communicating about this. There's no chance of our resolving it. We've been talking about it for two years, and we just have a conflict in our needs.
But the wife wanted very much to at least talk about it with me. The husband agreed. I said, if you each tell me what your needs are, I'll bet you that we might see some resolution that hasn't occurred to you.
The husband said, "we've been over the needs many times, many times and we don't get anywhere."
I said, Well, let's try again. And he said, Well, here's the problem. My need is I need needed a divorce. And she said she needs to keep the relationship together.
46:06
I could see right away what the problem was. They had gone immediately to strategies, and neither of them really knew what needs of the other person weren't being met.
I pointed this out, that what I call a need doesn't involve a strategy. It's separate from the strategy, and that getting a divorce or staying together is the strategy.
I said, What needs are not being met by both of you in the relationship? If we can get the focus on that better, then we will either find a strategy that might involve divorce, but it'll meet everybody's needs. Or it might involve staying together but again, it will meet everybody's needs.
It took us about an hour just to help them get clear what their needs were because they kept wanting to tell me what they thought was the problem in terms of the other person.
He said, well, the problem with her is that she's too... and she was coming back with a similar diagnosis of her husband.
They hadn't been trained in Nonviolent Communication. They weren't conscious that whenever we tell people what we think about them, that's not a very effective way of getting our needs met. With my help, they finally got their needs clear. At that point, they came to a resolution in this case they chose to stay together.
I have worked with other couples that when they really got their needs clear, they did see that a divorce might be the best strategy for both of them. But of course when you get to a resolution, that way, it is a far different resolution and is going to be far more fulfilling to both people, than if we go directly to strategies and don't really make sure that the strategy is a way of getting everybody's needs met.
In fact, one couple that I worked with, after my helping them both get clear what their needs were and hearing each other's needs. They did both see that a divorce might be the best way for both of them. This was done with such a loving energy to come to that, that they decided to have a divorce ceremony and then divided relatives from both sides to attend the ceremony.
Now a divorce arrived at, in that way, is going to be quite different for the children than a divorce arrived at through the usual adversarial procedures.
In one city, in the United States, in the family court, we have trained social workers to be able to use Nonviolent Communication in helping couples going through a divorce, to come to some resolution in the divorce settlement that everybody's needs.
In this situation, couples going through a divorce, then have an option. They can go through the usual adversarial procedures, or they can request to go through a three hour mediation session with social workers who were trained in using Nonviolent Communication.
I had lunch one day with the judges in this family court program. They were very pleased they told me with what it did for couples who chose to go through the mediation session, so that everybody's needs were clarified, in the process, and an attempt found to meet everybody's needs.
They could see how different it would be for the children to be with either parent that they were going to be with, where the resolution was one that didn't end on animosity and competition, but on a loving way, finding the best way possible to go in separate ways, but in a way that meets everybody's needs.
50:33
The john wayne consciousness that I developed growing up as a male has made it a real challenge to express my vulnerable feelings when I've been hurt or scared.
It's as though men don't have those kinds of feelings.
I can recall that one time I was in school as a child and I was hiding inside the school because there were some several people waiting to beat me because they didn't like my last name. They didn't like Jews. And I was scared to death as a nine year old boy and I would hide from them very often to avoid getting beaten up.
One day when a teacher saw me hiding in the classroom, it was an hour after school was over. And she was surprised to see it. The child still in school, especially hiding in the school and she says, what are you doing here?
I said, I pointed out the window. Those boys are waiting out there to beat me up.
She said but school is over. You have to leave the school now.
I said but I'm scared.
She said boys don't get scared.
That got a lot of evidence from my cultural education. That boys don't get scared. Boys don't get hurt. They don't get sad. If you're a real man, you don't have any of these feelings. Unfortunately for me, I took her words in and believed it and found it hard to admit when I was scared, hard to admit these other feelings as well.
25 years later, I was doing some work in Toronto, Canada. With about 80 women. These women were sole support parents, they had no partners, and they were poor. And I was doing the workshop with them.
In the process, one of them said something about her gratitude that I would come up there and offer this training and especially do it knowing that they had very little money to give me. I was so touched by the gratitude, that I received, that in front of these 80 women, I started to cry.
I couldn't look up I felt such shame. How could I reveal such vulnerability in front of these women. When I finally got my courage up to look up, instead of seeing the contempt that I expected to see in their eyes, it was just the opposite. I had never seen such respect or caring in my life. Now, this was a shock that I could reveal such feelings and get such a response. I started to cry all the more. And now I really felt ashamed and it was hard to look up and I was telling myself, my goodness, these poor women are giving me $5 apiece for this day and I'm crying away their time.
When I did look up, I didn't see one woman that looked as though she was angry that I was crying away their time. All I saw was caring. compassion.
They find it so hard to reveal these vulnerable feelings. And it's catastrophic what effect this has on intimate relationships because it's our ability to courageously share the depths of our vulnerability that adds to the depth of intimate relationships.
I was doing a workshop in the United States, and in the group was a man and woman who had been married for about 35 years. They were about to get a divorce, but one of their children strongly recommended that before they get the divorce, come to the training. In the training, the man sat there and seldom said a word. He just seemed to have all of whatever was alive in him locked inside.
I did a role play with another woman who told me about a husband that wasn't expressing his feelings and she said, Marshall, can you kind of play my husband's role, and guess what you think might be going on in him, that makes it hard for him to express his feelings?
In playing the husband's role, I said, wife it's hard for me to express my feelings because all this cultural training telling me I shouldn't have these vulnerable feelings. It's like I put them in a part of myself and lock that up. In locking that up, I feel safe, but I feel very vulnerable if I let any of it out. Is that clear to you?
56:04
This man who saw me playing that role.
He said, That's me.
And his wife looked at him and he said, what he said, That's me. Just what Marshall said is what it's like for me. I have all those feelings in there. But it's like they're locked inside, and I can't get at him.
His wife was so happy just to hear that much. Coming from him is something she had wanted in their whole marriage. Just so that he could recognize those feelings and say that they were in there was such a relief to her.
Of course, we then went further to help him to see what it would be like to actually express them, and to see that when we express those feelings, those needs which are the most scary for us to express, the not doing it is very costly in the relationship. When we do it vulnerably, without criticism, without demand, and the other person empathically receives it, relationship is going to be powerfully nurtured.